The Good, The Bad & the Pure Ugly

‘You’re so hot I’d ruin you’

A classic example of what online dating has to offer us modern women.

Needless to say this 19 year old with his back-to-front baseball cap & bling did not get a response.

I feel I have myself to blame… This is what comes from having the tagline ‘Make me laugh’. Some of the introductions were genuinely laughable & I congratulated a few people on their efforts. Others were just awful… these came from the mature gentleman.

How many of you have been confronted by the mockable chat-up line?

Annnd how many of you have secretly loved it?

Regardless of how many times the line has been used by said person to many different people, you still get the buzz in knowing they wanted to use it on you.

Something to note, ‘copy & paste’ jobs happen quite frequently in online dating for reasons of the following:

  • It’s quicker
  • It’s easier
  • You’ve already established your material & you’re proud of it so why not re-use?
  • You can blanket message a whole load of people… Someone HAS to respond
  • You’ve got a bet on with friends to see how many people fall for your repetitive charm

Having been signed up for online dating for nearly a year now, I’ve had a fair few opportunities to both laugh and cringe at the efforts…

  • ‘You’re so cute, I’m going to stick a copy of your profile on my fridge’ – Used twice!
  • ‘You’re so hot I’d ruin you’
  • ‘I’d be your stranger on a train’
  • ‘How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!’
  • ‘Of all the desperate, ugly people, why are you on here?’
  • ‘Do you like to be in charge? Fancy being my dominatrix?’

And that’s just me. Friends of mine have had similar experiences:

  • ‘You’re a school teacher? Do all the kids perv on your legs Miss? ;)’
  • ‘You’re so cat-like, so alluring… I think you’ll age really well.’
  • After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know that I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the special memories.  PS You can keep the beach house in Florida. I just want back the dog and my DVDs. Sincerely, Your Ex-Hubby’
  • ‘Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile’
  • ‘I deeply regret to inform you that I have to bring it to your attention that you are way above the maximum standard in terms of looks for this site. You’re clearly a 9/10 & only 7/10 is allowed. Your account will be closed unless you reply with your name, favourite drink & favourite type of cuisine’ (We thought this was particularly clever however)

And the pure weird, found online and should be used to scare off the mighty odd:

  • ‘I would like to paint you green and spank you like a naughty avocado’

And sometimes, you just need to use a little line of your own to grab the attention of the boy you like:

  • ‘Either you were in {insert bar name} tonight or this is a really bad chat-up line’

As it stands, it was them and it worked pretty well for me… But that’s for a later post 🙂

Anyways, enough of the chatting up & onto Date 2….

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Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a girl, looking for her Prince Charming. She didn’t search for the “perfect man” he just sorted of kicked his way towards her. She lived life to the full away from the confines of the protective Mothership, discovering the meaning of life, lectures and Jagerbombs. In this whizz of student life, she managed to bump into the potential love of her life… Little did she know, 7 years later she’d be highly depressed, dancing until 4am doing shots of Tequila with her best friends & some of the city’s strangest people. Oh how things change.

It went as fairytales tend to, fine and dandy and distinctively lovely with public displays of affection that would make passers-by vomit. There were ‘holidays’ (the furthest venture was to France via coach as Prince Charming couldn’t quite deal with being in the air… This is what they don’t tell you about Princes in storybooks), living together, arguments rarely, body weight eating of ice cream and generally plodding along quite nicely. Then came the 7 year itch.

Now this I always thought was just the fabulous film starring Marilyn Monroe but those who have experienced it will know, it does not involve Marilyn Monroe and it is not at all fabulous.

According to the Oracle that is Wikipedia, “The seven-year itch is a psychological term that suggests that happiness in a relationship declines after around year seven of a marriage. The phrase originated as a name for irritating and contagious skin complaints of a long duration.” Fabulous it isn’t, irritating it became.

Eventually, the terms ‘love of your life’, ‘The One’ and ‘Prince Charming’ went out the window into the vast terrifying existence that is reality and an ‘achey breaky heart’. Anyone who’s been to ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ will be aware that drowning yourself in tears and increasing your alcohol consumption makes the end of the world a very sad and hungover place. Not a place you wish to stay at for long. No home comforts, no affectionate drunken phone calls telling you that you’ve probably got the best bottom in the world and no waking up next to someone who looks as dishevelled and unhappy to be awake as you do.

So after being sat on by ‘The Black Dog’ (of depression) for various weeks, being miserable, thinking that I’d be alone forever and no one would want to see the horror that is me first thing on a morning, I decided I’d had enough. After a late night/early morning drinking session with the best friend Fashionista, I was badgered into entering the very scary world of online dating. Said Fashionista (we’ll call her Pixie), was telling me about how online dating was the new way of meeting people and potentially a way of finding ‘your man’. I feel we were pinning a lot of hope on this but as an impulsive person who didn’t want to get fat and miserable, I took her advice and signed up…to that and a running club…

There begins the tale of online dating…