Let the Great Online Cake-Off begin…

cartoon-cake-icon-18553140

So, the Great British Bake Off is back on our screens tonight and as a cake lover I couldn’t be more excited. As is the way with my wandering brain, I started to question… Can online daters be cakergorised?

I would say, without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

I would say I was a cheesecake (any flavour); full of cheesy puns, smooth when I need to be, sweet in the right places with a crunch that will either leave you loving me or cursing me. 

Double Chocolate Fudge Cake

This is the good looking dater who has a naughty side, someone who isn’t afraid to indulge in the finer things, throw out a tacky chat-up line or two but know they are top notch and you need them because they’re tasty. Only trouble is, you might just regret your decision when you’re sick to the stomach later on.

Madeira Cake

This is the surprisingly plain, trusty dater who will never let you down. They say the right things, act as smoothly as they can but don’t really stand out from the crowd as defined. You can pretty much do whatever you like to a Madeira Cake, add a little to it or just settle with its simplicity and reliability. You can never go wrong with this… Unless you’re the type to want someone with their head in the air and no graces, then the Chocolate Fudge is probably for you.

Victoria Sponge Cake

Like the Madeira, it’s a trusty cake but it has that little something extra through the middle. More substance and more to look forward to as you make your way through it. It’s sweet and surprising and gives you an overwhelming sense of smuggery. Satisfaction is guaranteed and does not try in anyway to pretend it’s a Chocolate Fudge Cake.

Fairy Cake

Bit questionable, slightly effeminate but still pretty awesome, the Fairy Cake is something you can’t quite work out or put your cherry on. It’s always well presented, with a little bit of flair and enough decoration to keep it questioning. Everyone loves a good fairy..cake.

Carrot Cake

Slightly more exotic, this is something that some people just can’t get their heads around. It’s good to look at & it’s amazing to taste. You wonder where the catch is? It’s well iced and the nuttiness is something to be laughed at but desired. When you find yourself a Carrot Cake, it will be strange at first but you’ll fall for it a treat. 

Obviously there are many more types out there but these are the few I came across in my dating adventure. 

Can you work out which you are? Or what your favourite is? 

I’ll be sat, with my delicious Carrot Cake, seeing what the Bake Off has to offer but ultimately being more than smug with what I’ve got. 

A happy Liebster

So, a good friend of mine has kindly nominated my blog for the Liebster Award. Big thanks to Trevor the Rescue Dog for the little heads up 🙂

liebsteraward

RULES

– Nominee posts an image of the award on their blog.
– Nominee links back to the nominator’s blog and of course thanks them.
– Nominee answers 11 questions nominator ask of them.
– Nominee then nominates 11 new bloggers they deem worthy with less than 300 followers & make sure to tell them.
– Nominee poses 11 questions for their nominees to answer.

 

Without further ado, let’s crack on:

1. Why did you start your blog?

After breaking up with my long term boyfriend, joining online dating provided both me and my family/friends with a bit of light entertainment. I went on numerous dates, had numerous interesting experiences and met plenty of people. I wanted to share the experience of modern dating & make people laugh at the same time.

2.    What is your favorite movie?

Back to the Future… And yes, Michael J Fox was my crush

3.    Shoes or bare feet?

Bare feet… Unless flip flops are involved.

4.    Who is your favorite author and why?

Sebastian Faulkes. His books are so engaging and realistic. Birdsong was one of the best novels I’ve ever read. If you haven’t been introduced, it’s definitely time.

5.    What is your most prized possession?

A poem written by a soldier to his lover which he hid under the floorboards of a house. I was given a copy on a visit to the said house but can’t remember where it was. It’s so inspiring.

6.    Cat or Dog?

Dog

7.    What is the most delicious food you have ever eaten?

Traditional Indian cuisine at a local restaurant.

8.    What is your favorite quote and by whom? 

Probably quite apt for this blog and very girly but there’s a quote from the oracle that is SATC that says:

‘Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens’ – It couldn’t be truer.

9.     If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be?

Audrey Hepburn. Potentially a complete cliche but her films, her work and her image are historic and fabulous.

10.   What is your favorite post that you’ve written? (Please provide link!)

Hmm, well seeing as it hasn’t been going on for too long, I’d say it’s Online Dating: Business, Pleasure or just Off-Putting? 

11.   Share a random piece of wisdom, that relates to the theme of your blog! (Dating/food/animals etc)

I’d say to anyone who’s thinking of online dating… Do it. Why not? You’ve got nothing to lose. Everyone seems to think meeting someone online is something to be ashamed of but it’s not. If you manage to make friends, have  a great time and potentially meet someone you quite like then it’s worth it!

Now apparently I have to nominate some blogs and come up with some questions!

So, I nominate these funny and real blogs:

The 30 Dates Blog

Skinny & Single

30’s Dater

Dating Disasters and Delights

1. What’s the best part about writing your blog? 

2. What inspired you to start writing it?

3. Funniest dating experience?

4. The best chat up line you’ve experienced?

5. The worst chat up line? 

6. Best way to meet someone? 

7. What’s your advice for those who’ve lost all hope when online dating? 

8. Strangest place you’ve met someone?

9. ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ – Agree or Disagree?

10. If you could go on a date with a celebrity, who would it be? 

11. What’s your favourite blog post by someone else? (Link here)

 

Look forward to seeing your answers ladies and gents!

The Good, The Bad & the Pure Ugly

‘You’re so hot I’d ruin you’

A classic example of what online dating has to offer us modern women.

Needless to say this 19 year old with his back-to-front baseball cap & bling did not get a response.

I feel I have myself to blame… This is what comes from having the tagline ‘Make me laugh’. Some of the introductions were genuinely laughable & I congratulated a few people on their efforts. Others were just awful… these came from the mature gentleman.

How many of you have been confronted by the mockable chat-up line?

Annnd how many of you have secretly loved it?

Regardless of how many times the line has been used by said person to many different people, you still get the buzz in knowing they wanted to use it on you.

Something to note, ‘copy & paste’ jobs happen quite frequently in online dating for reasons of the following:

  • It’s quicker
  • It’s easier
  • You’ve already established your material & you’re proud of it so why not re-use?
  • You can blanket message a whole load of people… Someone HAS to respond
  • You’ve got a bet on with friends to see how many people fall for your repetitive charm

Having been signed up for online dating for nearly a year now, I’ve had a fair few opportunities to both laugh and cringe at the efforts…

  • ‘You’re so cute, I’m going to stick a copy of your profile on my fridge’ – Used twice!
  • ‘You’re so hot I’d ruin you’
  • ‘I’d be your stranger on a train’
  • ‘How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!’
  • ‘Of all the desperate, ugly people, why are you on here?’
  • ‘Do you like to be in charge? Fancy being my dominatrix?’

And that’s just me. Friends of mine have had similar experiences:

  • ‘You’re a school teacher? Do all the kids perv on your legs Miss? ;)’
  • ‘You’re so cat-like, so alluring… I think you’ll age really well.’
  • After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know that I’ve already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the special memories.  PS You can keep the beach house in Florida. I just want back the dog and my DVDs. Sincerely, Your Ex-Hubby’
  • ‘Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile’
  • ‘I deeply regret to inform you that I have to bring it to your attention that you are way above the maximum standard in terms of looks for this site. You’re clearly a 9/10 & only 7/10 is allowed. Your account will be closed unless you reply with your name, favourite drink & favourite type of cuisine’ (We thought this was particularly clever however)

And the pure weird, found online and should be used to scare off the mighty odd:

  • ‘I would like to paint you green and spank you like a naughty avocado’

And sometimes, you just need to use a little line of your own to grab the attention of the boy you like:

  • ‘Either you were in {insert bar name} tonight or this is a really bad chat-up line’

As it stands, it was them and it worked pretty well for me… But that’s for a later post 🙂

Anyways, enough of the chatting up & onto Date 2….

The Big Flip Flop

The replacements

Don’t you just love a good pair flip flops? Anyone who knows me knows how much I love them. Comfortable, reliable, unbreakable and most of all your go-to above all other footwear. Qualities, some might say, you’d like to find in the ideal partner.

As I continued my daily trawl through the wonders of the dating site, I kept these traits in the mists of my mind.

Logging back on, there were messages from guys who’d plucked up the courage to send one liners, something cheeky or a generic post that was meant to win me over. In my looking, I came across an attractive ‘Wants to date but nothing serious’ guy with likes that included surfing, snowboarding and travelling. He had dark hair, Mediterranean skin, nice eyes and a good bit of banter. We chatted for a couple of days, doing the pre-date get-to-know and working out whether we really wanted to meet. When he asked, it seemed like a good idea

After doing a bit of profile research, I decided that this guy seemed pretty laid back so decided to go for the jeans and flip flops approach. Apparently, there’s some sort of rule that you can never, under any circumstance, wear comfy FitFlops on a first date. As is the way with rules, I broke the mold and wore them anyway (unbeknownst to me that I would get a severe bollocking and the piss taken out of me forever more by supportive work colleagues).

So we meet up at a casual and quirky local bar which suited us both down to the ground and started to do the ‘getting to know each other’ bit. It was helped along by a pint or two of cider (apparently, rule number 2, be a girl and avoid the pints… Once again, I listened not) and me, for once, not talking a lot. That’s because he talked more than I did. Way more. I could feel my attention wandering right out of the bar door. It was constant. No questions from him to me. He talked, I drank and laughed in all the right places.

Then, on leaving the bar, tragedy struck. My trusty, comfortable and slightly clompy FitFlops FELL APART. I almost went arse over tit much to the surprise/delight of my date. As is my specialty, I laughed and joked at the matter and continued the night by walking around the village sandal-less. He even offered to carry them for me. Gent. After my calamity, the rest of the night is slightly shrouded by the ridiculous amount of cider consumed. There was a kiss, a few days of waiting for a second date invite and then came the grieving process… For my FitFlops.

The worst thing about that date was the fall of the flip flops… I was devastated. I was more upset about the footwear than the date…What does that tell you?

No matter, I got over flip flop grief gradually and like online dating, I got back online and managed to find a suitable replacement.

My feet

The Male Order

Anyone order a man?

 

So, as I mentioned in my last post, online dating was something beyond anything I’d previously thought.

The only way I can describe it… It’s like a catalogue.

The premise being you go through the options, discard what you don’t like, save for later what you do and browse what it has to offer you. The excitement is still there, the power of choosing is still there but this time it’s a bit more than choosing next Summer’s garden furniture. (After a while, the garden furniture becomes more appealing) This is what I wholly discovered when looking through the endless array of profiles.

Where do you start?

Like a catalogue, you flick through, see a couple of potentials, maybe make a mental note or make your choice and see what happens. The thing about dating sites that many people protest about but secretly love is the ability to ‘flick’ through and judge people on their looks. Admit it, how often do you make a pre-judgement about someone based on their looks before you get to know them? Exactly. There will be plenty of unsuitables but a limitation on the suitables. Sometimes the unsuitables are actually suitables and everything gets even more surprising.

This is a generic screen shot from a dating site just to prove how catalogue sites can be:

Popular dating site screen shot

I started to get slightly unsociable and ashamedly addicted to the judging process, spending spare minutes in my day judging gentlemen. But they must go through the same thing right?

Admittedly, there were several who liked the look of me that I didn’t like the look of but you keep powering through in hope of finding the ‘suitable’. Then came the scary moment when someone of my taste liked me back. You like the look of them and they like the look of you. Simple, right?

Pervy Hotel Guy aka ‘Thom’

This first encounter was called *Thom & through the medium of online conversation, he seemed like a proper gentleman. He was an engineer, living not too far away with a good sense of humour & distinctive features. He then asked if he could have my number to arrange a coffee-date (always exciting unless you’re me…not a coffee drinker). We chatted on WhatsApp for a few days (I have a theory about this app but I’ll talk about that later) and arranged to meet up.

We talked for a few hours and everything was going smoothly. When the date had come to its natural end, we had a quick kiss outside Starbucks (which prompted children to do the one thing that must be done… ‘Oooooo!’)

What followed was a series of ‘cock-shots’, inappropriate conversations about my underwear and an invitation to join him in a hotel for the night because he was too embarrassed to invite me to his home with his housemates. He appropriately became known as ‘Pervy Hotel Guy’.

This was the first  unsuccessful catalogue ‘purchase’… Should’ve stuck with the garden furniture.

*Names have been changed in order to not embarrass myself with some of the slightly odd choices I made along the way. Those who got on the wrong side of me might just be mentioned.

Online Dating: Business, Pleasure or Off-Putting?

According to various sources, 1 in 4 couples met online… That’s a pretty big statistic and if you think about it, where can you meet people nowadays? Everyone is so busy working, texting, tweeting, ‘twerking’, Facebooking, Snapchatting and generally being engrossed in their busy lives. We all do it, so where better to meet someone than on the other end of your computer in the never ending internet sphere?

This is the thought that went through my mind when being convinced to join a dating site. This and various other thoughts like:

  • What if all the men online are online for a reason?
  • What if they think the same about me? 
  • What if this is a completely cringeworthy waste of time? 
  • …Then again, what if it’s not?
  • What if I see someone I know online? 
  • What if they try to awkwardly flirt with me? 
  • …What if I quite like it? 

Plenty of ‘What if..’s’ to keep the world spinning.

So, I bit the bullet and started to write my profile. It all felt a bit business-like… Almost like I was writing a CV for my love life. I guess selling yourself for a job and selling yourself (metaphorically) for online dating is really similar. The overall aim is wanting someone to like you so much they want to meet you. But is it just like a job interview? Is dating a long interview process where discovering the right candidate takes time, effort and plenty of practice? In the end, is it just frustrating?

After various hours of pondering, the summary that was created looked like the below. What faced me was something I could never have imagined…

... That is the question
To date or not to date, that is the question… 

 

Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a girl, looking for her Prince Charming. She didn’t search for the “perfect man” he just sorted of kicked his way towards her. She lived life to the full away from the confines of the protective Mothership, discovering the meaning of life, lectures and Jagerbombs. In this whizz of student life, she managed to bump into the potential love of her life… Little did she know, 7 years later she’d be highly depressed, dancing until 4am doing shots of Tequila with her best friends & some of the city’s strangest people. Oh how things change.

It went as fairytales tend to, fine and dandy and distinctively lovely with public displays of affection that would make passers-by vomit. There were ‘holidays’ (the furthest venture was to France via coach as Prince Charming couldn’t quite deal with being in the air… This is what they don’t tell you about Princes in storybooks), living together, arguments rarely, body weight eating of ice cream and generally plodding along quite nicely. Then came the 7 year itch.

Now this I always thought was just the fabulous film starring Marilyn Monroe but those who have experienced it will know, it does not involve Marilyn Monroe and it is not at all fabulous.

According to the Oracle that is Wikipedia, “The seven-year itch is a psychological term that suggests that happiness in a relationship declines after around year seven of a marriage. The phrase originated as a name for irritating and contagious skin complaints of a long duration.” Fabulous it isn’t, irritating it became.

Eventually, the terms ‘love of your life’, ‘The One’ and ‘Prince Charming’ went out the window into the vast terrifying existence that is reality and an ‘achey breaky heart’. Anyone who’s been to ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ will be aware that drowning yourself in tears and increasing your alcohol consumption makes the end of the world a very sad and hungover place. Not a place you wish to stay at for long. No home comforts, no affectionate drunken phone calls telling you that you’ve probably got the best bottom in the world and no waking up next to someone who looks as dishevelled and unhappy to be awake as you do.

So after being sat on by ‘The Black Dog’ (of depression) for various weeks, being miserable, thinking that I’d be alone forever and no one would want to see the horror that is me first thing on a morning, I decided I’d had enough. After a late night/early morning drinking session with the best friend Fashionista, I was badgered into entering the very scary world of online dating. Said Fashionista (we’ll call her Pixie), was telling me about how online dating was the new way of meeting people and potentially a way of finding ‘your man’. I feel we were pinning a lot of hope on this but as an impulsive person who didn’t want to get fat and miserable, I took her advice and signed up…to that and a running club…

There begins the tale of online dating…